A silent grief.

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March has been an odd month mixed with crazy emotions.

I’m half terrified that the time has gone by so quickly – we’re already coming towards the end of a quarter of a year. What happened to January and February? I can’t even remember what happened during the first half of this month.

Work has begun to kick in to full gear and it’s gotten harder to write anything without feeling exhausted at the end of the day. A part of me wonders if I’m balancing my life right.

And then just as we all thought things will proceed as per normal, this week began with a major loss of a public father figure.

It’s odd how the death of a significant person in your life – even without meeting him – can leave such a big, empty hole. I grew up in a system where everything was relatively controlled. As an individual it probably did nothing for my creativity. But I grew up in what I am biased to believe is the safest country in the world. Education is relatively affordable. I have a roof over my head. Cost of living is rising, but with some self-control, it’s not unbearable. I’m in a pretty good place.

And talk about the timing of his passing – he’s left just as this country enters into its Jubilee year.

We’re right in the middle of national mourning, and hopefully I get to visit the place where his coffin lays. My bouquet of lilies waits for me after work tomorrow, and I’m a little apprehensive about the lines and emotions rising up the closer I get to it.

I personally do worry about the state of this country now that he’s gone. AT the back of my mind, even though hew wasn’t active in government anymore, he was still there, lurking in the background, keeping watch over things.

Grief is exhausting. I’ve done nothing but sigh and I feel slightly off even as I write this. I think if I look back at this post, I’m going to feel a little embarrassed at how mixed and disjointed it is. But that’s exactly the state of my mind. I can’t come to terms with a loss that isn’t quite personal, I’m reminded of my own mortality, and I leave for Tokyo this weekend.

Yup, great month it’s been.

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